Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Another resolution
Take this smart mother's resolution to heart: I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.
Resolution
A mother's resolution: I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent.
Please help
Clip on the synagogue bulletin paper:
Judith remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Rabbi David's sermons.
Judith remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Rabbi David's sermons.
I wish
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.
Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."
Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."
Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."
Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."
Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."
Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."
Aha!
Once upon a time there lived a Jew by the name of Yankel, who had a custom that he would drink and drink throughout the entire month of Adar. When asked by the townsfolk to explain the logic behind the month-long-non-stop marathon of endless booze, he willingly offered his thoughts:
"Listen people, on Purim we celebrate our salvation from total annihilation, when the terrible Haman schemed to kill all the Jews on one day, the thirteenth of Adar.
"And I ask you; why for all times sake, did Haman plan on killing millions of people on one day, and not over a longer period of time? A week, a month…. Why in one day? What's the rush, it would seem close to impossible to carry it out, so why the 'one day kill all' deal?"
By now a large crowd had joined the spectacle, here was the town drunkard putting forth a Talmudic discourse. Wow! Even the learned amongst them were listening with full attention.
"My dear friends", cried Yankel with a thumb swinging high as if he was lecturing to a hall packed with Yeshiva students;
Haman was no dumbbell! He knew good and well, that throughout history, in many instances of danger for the Jewish people, G-d had come to the rescue. He had a suspicion that it might repeat itself on his plan.
"So Haman said to himself; if a miracle does happen, I will only give them one day to celebrate!"
By now Yankel was standing tall and shouting for all to hear: "I know of Haman's plan, therefore I drink for the entire month."
"Listen people, on Purim we celebrate our salvation from total annihilation, when the terrible Haman schemed to kill all the Jews on one day, the thirteenth of Adar.
"And I ask you; why for all times sake, did Haman plan on killing millions of people on one day, and not over a longer period of time? A week, a month…. Why in one day? What's the rush, it would seem close to impossible to carry it out, so why the 'one day kill all' deal?"
By now a large crowd had joined the spectacle, here was the town drunkard putting forth a Talmudic discourse. Wow! Even the learned amongst them were listening with full attention.
"My dear friends", cried Yankel with a thumb swinging high as if he was lecturing to a hall packed with Yeshiva students;
Haman was no dumbbell! He knew good and well, that throughout history, in many instances of danger for the Jewish people, G-d had come to the rescue. He had a suspicion that it might repeat itself on his plan.
"So Haman said to himself; if a miracle does happen, I will only give them one day to celebrate!"
By now Yankel was standing tall and shouting for all to hear: "I know of Haman's plan, therefore I drink for the entire month."
Serious situation
Joey had swallowed a nickel and his parents were frantic. "Cough!" "Oh Gosh what are we gonna do?" "This is terrible!"
After a few moments when the situation was just getting worse, the father decided to take things in his own hands, so he started slamming Joey on his back, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Finally the nickel came flying out. With a sigh of relief the parents put down the frightened child, and went back to their duties in the kitchen.
Joey's younger brother David who had watched it all, walked over to his parents and asked if he can have a private meeting. "Why, of course!" they said.
"Mom and Dad, I decided that from now on, I will only eat bread and butter, I will bye only one pair of shoes every two years! I'll even sleep on the floor!"
The parents were confused: "Joey, what happened? No bed, no food? Are you becoming a saint?"
Joey quietly responded: "I saw how both of you became so frantic over a nickel, and I realized how terrible our financial situation really is!"
After a few moments when the situation was just getting worse, the father decided to take things in his own hands, so he started slamming Joey on his back, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Finally the nickel came flying out. With a sigh of relief the parents put down the frightened child, and went back to their duties in the kitchen.
Joey's younger brother David who had watched it all, walked over to his parents and asked if he can have a private meeting. "Why, of course!" they said.
"Mom and Dad, I decided that from now on, I will only eat bread and butter, I will bye only one pair of shoes every two years! I'll even sleep on the floor!"
The parents were confused: "Joey, what happened? No bed, no food? Are you becoming a saint?"
Joey quietly responded: "I saw how both of you became so frantic over a nickel, and I realized how terrible our financial situation really is!"
Not everything is a joke
The judge walked out of the elevator into the parking lot and quickly walked over to his car. Suddenly he stopped, for right near the car lay an attaché case. Greedily, he picked it up.
He looked to all sides: the coast was clear. He opened the car, shoved in the case and was on his way.
At the first light, he opened the case. To his pleasant surprise, in it were beautiful diamonds. Wow! I'm not returning this!
Every few days, he sold another diamond, and his bank account slowly began growing. All was well, until that Sunday three weeks later…
The phone rang. "Hello? Is this Judge Davidson? Umm… a few weeks ago I left my attaché case in the parking lot of the court house. Do you by any chance have an idea what might have occurred?"
"I'm sorry, but no."
"Thanks."
An hour later the same caller called back. "Are you sure you don't recall anything? Your car was right near where I left the bag?"
The judge was irritated; "I told you I don't know anything; nothing changed over the last hour!"
A few hours later there was a knock on the door. Three journalists presented the judge with video footage of the parking lot three weeks prior, and of him opening the case at the red light. His shocked expression was hard to hide…
WHAT?????
It soon transpired that these journalists had taken on a project to put those morality enforcers to the test. Do they just talk the talk or they also walk the walk…? This judge failed. Miserably.
He looked to all sides: the coast was clear. He opened the car, shoved in the case and was on his way.
At the first light, he opened the case. To his pleasant surprise, in it were beautiful diamonds. Wow! I'm not returning this!
Every few days, he sold another diamond, and his bank account slowly began growing. All was well, until that Sunday three weeks later…
The phone rang. "Hello? Is this Judge Davidson? Umm… a few weeks ago I left my attaché case in the parking lot of the court house. Do you by any chance have an idea what might have occurred?"
"I'm sorry, but no."
"Thanks."
An hour later the same caller called back. "Are you sure you don't recall anything? Your car was right near where I left the bag?"
The judge was irritated; "I told you I don't know anything; nothing changed over the last hour!"
A few hours later there was a knock on the door. Three journalists presented the judge with video footage of the parking lot three weeks prior, and of him opening the case at the red light. His shocked expression was hard to hide…
WHAT?????
It soon transpired that these journalists had taken on a project to put those morality enforcers to the test. Do they just talk the talk or they also walk the walk…? This judge failed. Miserably.
You Don't understand!
Chaim came back from a long trip to Minsk. "Minsk is a crazy city!" he told his friends.
"Why?" they asked.
"Well, in Minsk I found a socialist, a communist, a Zionist, a Bundist, a leftist, a rightist, a devout religious, a secular, a closed minded in the box and a free thinker!"
His friends didn't understand: "But isn't that a normal community, where you have different people with different ideas?!"
"Ah!, said Chaim, you don't understand, this was all the same person!"
"Why?" they asked.
"Well, in Minsk I found a socialist, a communist, a Zionist, a Bundist, a leftist, a rightist, a devout religious, a secular, a closed minded in the box and a free thinker!"
His friends didn't understand: "But isn't that a normal community, where you have different people with different ideas?!"
"Ah!, said Chaim, you don't understand, this was all the same person!"
Newcomer
Q: How you can tell a newcomer to a synagogue?
A: When he turns to you and says in shock: "Do people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives his sermon?"
A: When he turns to you and says in shock: "Do people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives his sermon?"
Yeh sure...
Alex is raving to a government official: "I love communism, I would give away everything for it! If I had a million rubles, I would give it all to the party! If I had a horse, I would donate it to the party! If I had a store, I would give all its income to the party!"
The official turns to him and says: "If you love the party so much, then I'm sure you'll gladly give up the three chickens you have in your backyard, correct?"
Alex: "Umm… not really…"
Official: "What's goin' on? A million rubles and a store you would give away, but when I ask for three chickens you suddenly back off?!"
Alex responds: "But the chickens I actually have…"
The official turns to him and says: "If you love the party so much, then I'm sure you'll gladly give up the three chickens you have in your backyard, correct?"
Alex: "Umm… not really…"
Official: "What's goin' on? A million rubles and a store you would give away, but when I ask for three chickens you suddenly back off?!"
Alex responds: "But the chickens I actually have…"
For a good speech
Q: How is a good sermon like a peace of Matzah?
A: They both should take less than 18 minutes!
A: They both should take less than 18 minutes!
Better plan
Moshke came home with breaking news: "The rabbi just announced that some Moshiach guy is coming soon, and plans on taking us all to Israel!"
Shprintza was horrified: "To Israel? How could we leave the cows alone? Oy vey!"
Moshke runs back to the rabbi to voice his wife's objections.
The rabbi says: "Moshke! Forget about cows, when Moshiach comes and we go to Israel, we will never have to suffer from the Cossacks and anti-Semites! No more fear!"
When Shprintza heard what the rabbi had said, she came up with a brilliant idea: "Listen Moshke, go tell the rabbi, to tell this Moshiach dude, to take the Cossacks with him to Israel, and leave us alone!"
Shprintza was horrified: "To Israel? How could we leave the cows alone? Oy vey!"
Moshke runs back to the rabbi to voice his wife's objections.
The rabbi says: "Moshke! Forget about cows, when Moshiach comes and we go to Israel, we will never have to suffer from the Cossacks and anti-Semites! No more fear!"
When Shprintza heard what the rabbi had said, she came up with a brilliant idea: "Listen Moshke, go tell the rabbi, to tell this Moshiach dude, to take the Cossacks with him to Israel, and leave us alone!"
Or else....
This guy enters the maternity ward with his wife.
He turns to the nurses and warns them that the baby better be a boy, or else he will destroy the hospital!
Ten minutes later a nurse walks out shivering: "Umm... Umm… your wife…. Had a beautiful……. girl…….."
BAM! SMASH! Within five minutes the waiting room looks like it has been hit by a hurricane scoring 8 on the Saffir-Simpson scale.
Suddenly a doctor runs out and says, "We made a mistake; it's a boy!"
"Ah!" The guy smiles, "I told my wife you can only get your way with violence..."
He turns to the nurses and warns them that the baby better be a boy, or else he will destroy the hospital!
Ten minutes later a nurse walks out shivering: "Umm... Umm… your wife…. Had a beautiful……. girl…….."
BAM! SMASH! Within five minutes the waiting room looks like it has been hit by a hurricane scoring 8 on the Saffir-Simpson scale.
Suddenly a doctor runs out and says, "We made a mistake; it's a boy!"
"Ah!" The guy smiles, "I told my wife you can only get your way with violence..."
Oy Vey!
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
The clerk asks, "What denomination?"
"Oh my G-d," the woman says, "has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
The clerk asks, "What denomination?"
"Oh my G-d," the woman says, "has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
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